intention

the alarm goes off and you're already awake. the dog has been barking again. sun is not entering the room through the half drawn curtains. your intention is set. you will do something today and it won't be like any other day. then there is a pause. a toilet flushes somewhere, this is it. the cue. you get up and do the things you do. the kettle, the breakfast, the laptop. then you stop. and start again. the rehashing of old thoughts, a quick look in the mirror, tired again. breathing in and out, long breath. trying to get it equal. fingers racing, and every day getting there faster and slower. the successful plans. the same plans. escape to the south, build a home, let the dogs run in the yard, spend some time on the sea front, catching the taste of salt in the wind. you remember the teachers, the parents, the partners, the friends. you will go far, they said. but you only got as far as making coffee.