it's the chemistry, stupid

jeez, what is it with chemistry? why all these people constantly searching for it? as if we were bunsen burners. or test tubes. or samples.

stranger things have happened

in the republic of XXXXX there are two queens that do a job-share. one of the queens is ambitious, efficient and pragmatic. when she's on the job, the palace gets cleaned, laws are passed, heads roll. the other queen is a total daydreamer, living completely off this planet and finding difficulty in remembering even the most simple of instructions. when this queen is on the job, flowers grow, rainbows are seen on the horizon, farmers take days off to take the milkmaids to the fair. one day a gigantic penguin came to the republic of XXXXX and ate both queens. instead, now the kings got to run the show. first they killed the gigantic penguin, then they sat round, had a few cigars, celebrated their good fortune and slowly let the country go to rot.

summer

the moon was shining in the not-yet-dark sky. he changed gears and reminded himself to breath. in and out. change gears. how long is it since he's been on this unwelcome road? how far is he from himself already? the moon holds no answers. the radio switches static on. his mind wanders back and forth between memories and uncertainties. he settles on mundane thoughts as a distraction. what to eat next. what was the capital of peru. name the 50 states in alphabetical order.

a joke

one day there were lying on the bed after some intensely weird lovemaking when his stomach rumbled and brought them out of their spell.

the great communication party!

got them on skype, got them on email, got them on messenger, got them on the phone...

delicately

like a bird she unfolds herself out of her wet clothes. flashback. ignore flashback. put the clothes in the bin. everything normal. get a pen out of the mug on the bookcase. she traces the shape of her collarbone with the felt tip. all the way round her shoulder, down her arm. she looks in the mirror, again. the lines are clear and precise, black on white. well, at least now she knows she's still there. here. put dry clothes on. notice how the pen smudges against the clean silk. just a little. everything normal. smudges, lines, dots running away.

on the street

is this man bothering you, asks the officer. i. wish.

at the cafe by the road

he felt a pain in the side of his body. a lost spear must have found its way there. a spear inlaid with ice blue sapphires and covered in thin white gold. it's been a while since hunger. it's been a while. he looks at the offerings and keeps the feelings down. down boy. back into your cave. the girl has a sweaty face and tired breasts. she gives him coffee and eggs and toast and all things good. he stares ahead out of the window back at the road staring at him. staring quietly and persistently. come on, she says, come back and it will all be fine.

meaow

a cat is making a move on me. sleek cat. black cat. cool cat. i may just let him in.

blink

a thin line of blood ran from the corner of her mouth, down her chin. she stared at it with stupid eyes into the mirror. brushed it off with the side of her hand and licked the red smudge slowly and deliberately. he's not coming back.

dawn

a bird sings a scratchy song not far away. the man shakes the morning slumber and looks up at the leaves in the trees above him. there are greens of all descriptions falling down on him, blurry in the newly accessed brain. brain wakes up. isn't it funny that for all our science we are still divided into heart and mind. no, it's not funny, it's tragic. this is the fact that can not be avoided. fetch some twigs, make a fire, pretend you don't know there is a world out there where things can be connected seemingly. breakfast of gods. just him and the sun. and one day he tried to explain to her how the sun makes this noise at dawn that can be heard above the din of the traffic and the mooing cows. but she didn't understand because she just wanted to love him. and there is such a huge distance between loving and understanding. bollocks. turn the coals this way and that. drink the burnt coffee. get back on the machine. on the road. follow me, him, her. i miss you.

nighttime

he rubbed his eyes as if he wanted to erase the blue in them. tears streaming down, burning the road into his skull. he parked the car on the side of the road, walked out and sat quietly in the dark. looking at his hands, articulating each finger, feeling the muscles under the skin. trying to busy his brain with physical instructions. this man is not thinking about anything. this man hasn't really got a story to tell. this man is alone. this man is not a man.

life lesson #774,334

do not give in to the temptation of buying (not even half) a watermelon when you live on your own. you will always come to regret it two weeks later...

at the petrol station

stop to feed the monster. a man walks out in overalls covered in dust and smiles. i'm in no mood for conversation. i'm in no mood. i'm nothing. so i smile back. point out the rabbits hopping across the dry landscape. ask if they make a good stew. laugh heartily. heart beating fast. underneath all of this the need to drive away. away from you. him. her. this. everything. pay. smile. go. foot down. this is all i know.

this is the life

the man looked over his shoulder and realised he was alone on the road. he pushed his foot down on the accelerator and reached for the volume control. dorian gray had just won the race at newmarket and the crowd was going mental. next time i might go for it, he thought. a rabbit raced across the highway running away from certain death. an eagle was flying in the distance or maybe it was a vulture, these things didn't matter to him. he thought of the smell of her skin. and of the fact that he was maybe never going to see her again. foot down. feel the wind on your face. the man knows this is it. this is just what dreams are made of. the sound of the car enveloped everything. folded him in. erased his being. gears. petrol. metal. road. if he hadn't left it would all have been too easy. or too complicated. the gods were not smiling at him then. foot down. the smell of dead skunk filters through the memories. cows graze in the distance. there's the first star. the first one here. the last one somewhere else. all tomorrows are somebody's yesterdays. he couldn't remember the colour of the walls. they spent themselves in those things. walls. doors. windows. all gone. boxes empty in a corner. a girl fuzzy against a shower curtain. a thread of water running down her side. foot down. get somewhere. go nowhere. keep moving.

things i definitely like

seaman
Originally uploaded by ladelentes.

old seaman taking my hand to help me onto a boat, leaving my hand salty and fishy
the north sea
seals out of water looking funny
friends enjoying food i've made
the smell of skin baking in the sun
a kite so high up in the sky
lazy country pubs
a drink with friends by a fireplace

dream diary

i ran across him on the street and he invited me to his place. i was trying not to smoke but he suggested we have a joint. he got some filters out of a drawer and put on in his mouth while he rolled the joint. i lay on my back and was moaning about work/life /etc when suddenly he comes and stands over me ready to kiss me. but first he takes the fliter out of his mouth. then i wake up.

print

i can see my footprint on my floor, if i turn my head slightly to the left or slightly to the right then the footprint lies right in the middle of the ray of light coming through the front window, if i look up i don't see anything much of interest, if i look down i see my hands tip tapping away, if i look right ahead i see volcanic red, if i look inside i don't like much what i see these days so i'm just going to ignore it, get myself up from my new chair and keep cooking. which, i've been told, is all i should do anyway. cook in a pinny. things with cream in them. there.

friends

a cat walks up my stairs to say hello
a fox wanders off down the corridor
the dog barks to passing strangers
pidgeons fly off at the merest hint of me throwing a shoe at them

lost hours

coffee. breakfast. computer.

i can't get started

the north pole i have charted
but i can't get started with you

from the street IX

a skip and a hop...

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dream diary

i've come to this guy's house. he's a friend. he's married with children. we're going to sleep in the same bed, but neither of us really wants to. he makes a big deal out of not tucking in the bedsheets, as he can't sleep with them tucked in. he says he called me because his date blew him out. his wife is off travelling. i am second choice. one of the children walks in. i start playing with the child but something happens, maybe i feed him the wrong stuff? and he's sent to bed and we must go to sleep.

to do list

• paint sitting room
• paint bedroom
• paint kitchen
• paint bathroom
• paint hallway (ask for extension rollers)
• change bathroom floor
• get curtains / blinds
• install kitchen table (ask for drill)
• get to ikea to buy: wardrobe, floating shelves, fan, laundry basket, desk
• get rug for sitting room
• buy bbq
• invite people to housewarming party

See more progress on: finish decorating my flat

speeding ticket

comes back to haunt you from travels far away...........damn it! i'm an outlaw!

way to go!

if anybody there is hunting for lessons on bad interviewing, i'm giving them away!
errrr, well, no, i have no experience of project management, no...

enough maudling

sunny day. enough said.

monsters

the owl outside my home hoots endlessly at the passing pterodactylus as the hyenas meaow hysterically in the garden path. mermaids sing their songs en route to urgent appointments. london hums away in the distance. i will dream of big hands pawing at unlucky birds, fish gobbling up algae in the canal, big balloons floating up into the peruvian hillsides...

instructions

find out what you want
find out what you want
find out what you want
find out what you want
find out what you want
then go and do it.

expectation

there is a point you come to when you realise that you will never realise your potential. that you will be forever hearing about how well you'll do...one day. that you don't care about anything or anyone. that you can't achieve ideals which you can't articulate anymore anyhow. and when you get to that point, they've won. you're broken, at last. nobody's perfect. but if this is the case then what's the point even trying.

real/unreal life

people become pixelated at a distance

go girl!

driving down queensbridge road on one of those cute old-people's buggies. pink blanket over her legs. glittery cowboy hat on. eyes fixed on the road. no messing.

my estate

wanker playing loud music
black kids shouting at each other
foul dogs taking their foul dog owners for a walk
beautifully painted walls
love it!

interfamily warfare

all i asked is if the coffee would be good for the expresso maker and then she says to her dad, well greek coffee...it's the same as turkish coffee...no good for the machine. her dad looked as if to kill her. her mum came to her aid. they all spoke loudly and agitatedly in greek (or turkish?) . i said i didn't mind. i'd just get the best-in coffee instead. i retreated. they were still argueing when i left them in my local corner shop...

what is tall, stupid, and red all over

hackney has a new work of art in the shape of a beautiful, expensive, massive spill of "volcano splash 2", just outside of the speedy dry cleaners
ladelentes has now gone from tan brown to volcano splashed
fortunately no camera yet, so no documentation available

what is beautiful

an eighty year old acrobat poet performing in a gay club in south london
a friend's smile when she sees you come in to take your plants back
a long drive in a transit van with woody allen incarnate
a rose tree bursting with white flowers out of a well cared for garden
an amazing moon letting herself be watched from a terrace on any given night
somehow, a memory - a little bittersweet and scared - making room for itself in the left hand side of my heart

sensible/mad

is it more sensible to look for a job, settle and do all those things just because it's the right thing to do, or is it more sensible to just go mental right now and then see if a find a job, settle and do those things afterwards?